“They think they know”

They dooo…
They think
they doooo…

You don’t listen
You compare.
You brush me off
Like you don’t care.
Clarify this shit…
As My diagnosis
rolls up off anothers
Tongues…

like
Water off a leaf
That’s weak…

Let me make it
Clear to those
Who won’t and
Don’t understand
That the issue
Can’t be compared
To you self
Diagnosis of me
Or yourself.

Boxed in a
A box in corner…
Small walls
I can’t peak over
Them.
With out…
I dare you to
speak… Making
Me more lonely…

“OH just do some breathing techniques and exercise. “

Ok that’s fine!
but It only
Last for a little
while!
You wonder why!
I Don’t smile!
I just
Need a stronger
Dose im on
Enough meds
To take a bull
Down!

Make me bitter
At all repetitive
remarks!

You!
Don’t!
Know!
Me!

Let me tell you
How it feels to
Be me!

Relationships/can’t
Going out in public/won’t
Being surrounded by
new people your
Friend knows/ I don’t think so…

I can socialize
to an extent.
If I say something
Out of order…..
To the huddle…
You may or may
Not hear me
keep apologizing……..

So my isolated
My inner and outer
Being…….

These issues with
in me.

Can only be exposed
If you know me….
Or sometimes not
I just feel…
Real tire…
So good night…

O ya…
I forgot…

Most times group
With a bunch of
Me’s and yous can…
Maybe even a hand
Full can understand me…

Only!

My mind
Is…

Mostly out of
Order………

I never asked for
A pity party ………

For Normalization

Bear with me…

I was never good with
Words. That’s why I
Barely spoken.

I knew what i wanted
To say. Then when my mouth
Opened. The words
Came out persecuted by contradiction.

I just want to be…

I’m not… I never will
Understand my ways
Or how I feel. Split
Personality, so we
Just talk to each other.
I know if I talk to myself
No one would make fun
Of or judge him….

Me…

You see…

I know this makes no
Sense. I forget numbers,
Dates, small things.
I struggle….
Every address I lived
I can only remember one of the numbers.

Bear with me…

I know I don’t make sense…

So frustrated, embracing,
Alone, sad, madness. All the
Sorrows with titles. Quotes
Like Scripture from the bible.

King James…

I’d rather gaze into
80 percent of the
Quran.

Maybe someone linked to a prophet…

Maybe a May bee sweating over honey.

I picked up a gun
Before a book. Didn’t
Learn to read till I was a
adult.

All praise due to
The Almighty. Blessing
Me with a paper and pen.
Yet they still don’t here me.
Like they never understood
me then…

They say I speak in
Riddles soo…

Riddle me this…

Decode my words!
Behold the thought!
When teeth don’t show!
That means my pen
Will be a tattoo needle for
Exposure!

My woes will be jotted!
You could snort them
In lines then!

Try to..

Bear with the two headed
Viper crying! Some
Thoughts crippled
Till my mind has delayed
Then deleted!

All I ask is for you to bear with me…

Believe it……..

These Past Weeks

The terror in my life breaths no love songs…

Chapter 11 filed on my mind.

Now the bank of evil holds it…

Bro this!

Bruh that!

Please go ahead with that bro shit!

I’m not that!

Bro…

Half of my bros have life sentences…

Locking in and shit…

Reality in there eyes is just irrelevance..

Knife fights loud till bones chip…

Screems follow from the mouths of the strongest men.

Canned goods that look like the contents of dog food…

This ain’t no fucking joke

My life is consistent with cutthroats…

No positive quotes…

That holiday dope…

Maintaining a civilians composure.

They can tell in my eyes im not a civilian.

Chameleons myself to every day people…

Till I eventually flip…

I can’t keep putting peep holes in peaks of foreheads.

So sad…

To rough…

Some days there’s tears…

Some days there is blood…

Shedding my old ways to make better days is hard…

Tough…

I do not want to be successful…

I just want to see the sun…

Standing up…

Bitter

Inside out…

I’m inside trying to get out…

Segregated from beautiful things…

I don’t understand…

So how can someone else…

The things people say…

Make me taste like vinegar…

Crack rock Vinyard…

I stand where I can…

When told what to do…

I can’t…

Stubborn….

Funneled favors through gun shot abrasions…

Asking lots of questions…

Lead to dead body’s in there basements…

I don’t put up a fight…

I can’t feel no pain…

To be me…

Alive getting older…

Just watching people you love…

Dissappear like roaches…

When you turn the lights on…

There gone…

Free us…

I want to be…

Be that person that laughs at jokes…

That smiles with high hopes…

That’s nice to….

Voices that quote…

 

“I care….”

“I love you…”

 

My days get worst…

You crawl away slowly so I don’t see..

I don’t blame certain people for there weaknesses…

I’m far gone from my route to give a shit…

Unhappy trying to look like I can deal with it…

I wear a mask even when I’m not robbing shit…

“Heathe Ledger!”

Was by far the best joker…

Successfully…

Still killed his self…

To breath…

Till he wasn’t breathing…

Differences…

I feel his pain…

I live it everyday…

I’m to myself…

I still get bother…

By people who think they no my problems…

Intentions good…

I still feel and think a different way…

 

“Fuck you mean!”

 

If I could be like them…

Do you think I’d be alone!

Trying to hide myself!

The outside world of myself!

Before eyes sight…

Please don’t look me in them!

For your own wellbeing…

 

I

don’t

want

to

be

this!

 

Your hurting not helping…

I’ll walk in front of gun fire…

Type roping…

Just for kicks and knee slapper’s….

If I could fully disconnect myself from my thoughts…

I’d probably be a yes man…

Dancing like the fucking monkey on “Aladdin…”

Racist shit…

 

“A whole new world🎶!”

 

Walking through the mine fields…

Of sins…

Hoping I can just find that explosion…

Turning my anger and illusions into…

1000 potions of extreme vigour!

 

I’m just the bitter……..

Picture a young man…

That the elders called 20 years older…

The young old man….

 

 

Brand New #4

(No matter what)

I come first before others!

No one’s feelings matter but my own!

I’m not going to communicate back at all!

I want that person to always think there in the wrong!

I want you to hear my voice only when I’m making you feel dumb!

See…

I hate you only because I’m not you and as strong as you are!

I hate you because I hate myself!

I’ll never tell you that though…

I’d rather give you the run around!

Then to show you love!

I’ll never tell you that!

I’ll just silently make you look and feel bad…

Why?!

Because I’m selfish!!!😈👉💔

……………………..

Awhhhhh Shit Chris!! You done started some shit hear! So the fuck what….

lol!

What do I have to lose when I’m already a two time loser… Naw… I just think alot of people now or days need to listen more then they talk before they put a good man or women down…

Now you managed to make someone that is already mentally at there low… The thing is that… This type of person needs more love then most.

Put downs!

Insults!

Bitter behavior!

Cuz this or that person never really communicates much of calls… Now maybe if you werent so selfish! You would pick up the phone and communicate with him or her. Text or calling…

See!

You never no what that other person is suffering from. Even though they conceal there problems and you dont. Just because this person is not a big talker. Doesn’t mean they are not dieing inside and as strong as you think on the inside.

Now let’s just use me for an example….

I’m not ashamed to say I have a multitude of mental health issues. Bottom line is I’m sick. But some people hear it but never take it in consideration. They just don’t under stand you or why you do what you do. They don’t even look at you as ill…

Now…  I only talk to a hand full or people. I feel like only one of those people really understand me. I don’t believe in friendship but this one person would be the true definition of a friend even though we don’t communicate much. We both have a life and responsibilities.

But when I talk to this person. I just feel the strongest connection that I’ve ever felt between enyone. I have alot of love for this person. But when I don’t call it’s not that I’m not thinking of the person. It’s just that I could be in the worst position mentally or even physically.

I’ve never ever been a selfish person. Every body that knows me completely. They no that all I do is give and respect those who respect me. I’ve looked out for whole neighborhoods…

Shit!

I got brothers and sisters that I only talk two once or twice a year.. They know  I love them and they know I’ll die for them. They all respect me for that. They know I mean well. They no I’m more phisical then mental. All these people I mentioned. They have my best intrest. They understand me… They simply listen more then they talk.