I just come to believe that words can kill and negative criticism sucks. I try to act like what people say doesn’t bother me but it does. I cant lie no more to myself and hold my head high. The things people can say can crush you before you even know you’ve been tarnished by laugh off insults. You know what I mean. When some one says something mean to you in a joking way and you just sit there and laugh it off like it didn’t just put a bullet hole in you. The mental scares that words can open in you no Band-Aid or gauze can cover up or seal the wound. I find that even when people so called joke with you it hurts. let’s face it there is always some truth in a joke like a drunk persons quotes. I just laugh it off though I want to get angry and snap on the inside.
I’m way weaker than I ever thought. I really don’t care what people say about me, but who am I kidding words hurt.
You don’t understand your damage. You don’t have to hit me and shoot me to hurt me. You don’t have to talk about my problems out loud like its a joke. You don’t have to smile and laugh at my discomfort. Stop and think before you say something to someone! STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU HURT SOMEONES FEELINGS! STOP… AND… THINK…. Because if I get mad then all of the sudden I’m the bad guy but you don’t even realize you made me this way. All because you wanted to so called make jokes. Well Im not joking and I’m not fucking laughing so miss me with your weak jokes and horrible quotes.
Miss me I quote! Miss.. Me…
I’m tired of living where the sun never shines, where the birds are afraid to chirp in the morning, where the bad things only get worst, no hope at all. I’m tired of where I live. It’s dangerous and filled with drug addicts, teenage killers and rapist god save us. I’m tired of coming home to the same thing. Six people in a two bed room apartment my hopes and dream claustrophobic and constricted by negativity and limited possibility’s.
I’m 12 years old and I’m starving. I’m tired of eating all this instant ramen, left over cheese stakes and greasy fries, fried chicken boxes from the corner store because that’s all my mother could afford. I’m tired of sharing my clothes with my brothers and stealing socks out of there bags when their not looking because I was down to my last pair.
I’m tired of going to the market with my mother and getting items that later on when we get to the registers I have to put some items back on the shelf because mom thought we could afford them but we couldn’t so back on the shelf they go. I’m tired of the other kids laughing at my clothes because there old hand me downs from a different time zone. I’ll show them later on not to laugh at me!
I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of being everyones joke. I’m tired of being against the ropes of poverty. I’m tired of living grime. I’m tired of crying silently. Lights out!! Bills piling the kids stomachs growling mom crying because shes getting tired of trying. Violence in the worst timing. Trying not to start robbing. Trying to live righteous.
I coax with family members to get me life insurance fast. Debating with them about life inequity and bad pictures of the past. There were no perfect pictures at all. So as I get older I now see that its time for me to take risk for better picks. Please pray for me ma ma because I’m going federal. No more tears ma ma.
Speed I need! Running and running jumping fence after fence my shirt got caught in the gate. Dogs barking, police sirens, helicopters circling, hovering low with search lights in the sky as I try to accumulate speed.
I need more air…
The wind has been knocked out of me by five black boots and shining chain link badges. standing over me in my face. I taste blood in my mouth, salty, irony, gritty blood.
After I regain consciousness and open my eyes I see sharp dressed suite to the tee standing in front of me while I lay in the hospital bed inquisitions fly at me at top speed then they realize two days later that it was mistaking identity.
I want you to… Be yourself. I want you to… Listen to your heart. I want you to… I want you to whisper in my ear and say. That you love me.
Don’t abuse it, mean It. Don’t refuse it, seek it.
I wan’t you to… Grow old with me. I wan’t you to… Be there for me, take care of me and ill return to you.
Nurture our love and a rose will grow out from your iron heart and our ways will never part for you’re my greatest art.
You and me. Me and you. Until the end. Time is thin. Show me yours. Ill show you mine. The sky is yours. The earth is mine. Give me you. All of you. Give me hope. Be my dope. I’m high on you. I wan’t to overdose off you. Your kiss is my abyss. For you I’ll take a risk. Give me kiss give me kiss.
Please don’t shade your heart behind tinted windows and cheap cosmetics. I want you just the way you are and no one but me will ever see the true beauty you possess. Just put me to the test and Ill burn down all of your stress because I am a pain arsonist and my flames will hold us together like these sentences I endeavor. ACHIEVEMENT FAILED! In my sincerest words to you… Give me your heart or I’m taking it. I want you!
Inhale… Exhale…Inhale… Exhale…Inhale… Exhale…
Tears of joy know that my moms second born made it another day In the city of death, destruction and fire that surrounds me. The smell of eggs and bacon frying over loud rap music booming out the cars as they pass by the apartments. As a nostalgia of hearing van doors slide back opening fast like broken glass as the shell casings hit the concrete. Listen as my heart beats fast like a crack fiend taking his first blast. I’m alive another day! I made it in the city of mayhem through my rayband lenses. As I slide on my slide on’s and brush my teeth. Its cold outside but I know Ill be surrounded by heat. As I open the door and walk to the corner store to get my morning brew and cheap whiskey I’m bewildered by the slow police car creeping past me. Their eyes watching me and my every move as I walk down the dried blood graffiti on the side walk. It made me think of the wild gun fight of last weak. Claiming yet another victim of these streets and by the way his casket was closed as his family and close associates weep. As I walk down the block past the drug spot where the blind open air sales are made while sweat cascades down my cheek. Hoping I don’t catch a stray from an AK while a botched robbery takes place in front of me. I say whats up to everybody I past by. Knowing they might not last today or this week. Greedy politicians and police brutality is a trending topic while I hear the old men on the block constantly gossip about the lead in our drinking water and the schools where our sons and daughters go are closing and they aren’t giving us jobs or decent wages so how do we survive? Where there are teenage pregnancy weekly and welfare and food stamps are on the rise. As the day ends I leave my friends with a half a pint of gin as I say my goodbyes because I know seven out of ten of them wont make it out of these streets alive. Before I take my keys out and open up the door. I realize that no ones home and the door locks are broken and laying on the floor, but I don’t get mad that my apartment is in a disarray. I know that whoever stole from me will be eating and supporting there families another day. God is good and life is so misunderstood, I still live and I shall give in each and every way. A Baltimore city state of mind. Crime in order to survive as I blink my eyes then go to sleep. Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale…
The life you live is ethereal to me. I will never understand it. My life to you is the same but deeper. See I can’t be with you because I don’t want you to suffer. You know me and you know that my life is like no other. You were just going to college and at the same time I was going to jail. You didn’t understand it but you accepted it. You really loved me. But I was a G… A born gangster in the eyes of the black robes that sentenced me for something I didn’t even do.We where from two different worlds and the point is you were to good for me and I didn’t want to ruin your life. My biggest way of showing you I love you was to let you go. So fly away and become something that Ill never be and I want you to love someone that deserves you more than I do. Born in a haphazard life I was. You however where bought up in a beautiful Koi pond life style everything just perfect. You deserved better.
It’s only one of me and Ill fight all ten of y’all. I can’t think with anger brewing tattooing a image of bruises on you. I don’t even know why I am so mean sometimes and why I have bad dreams and flash backs of bullets coming threw my wind shield and the life of my passenger taken. Lord have mercy rest in peace because your enemy is taken a permanent nap. Don’t like my book… CLOSE IT! You think you tougher than me… SHOW IT! Because the only person I fear is the man in the mirror. No big words twists turns and metaphors. Just true facts intact. Verbal waterboarding you to death. A mind that seen know Christmas or thanksgivings with family members just fist fights, iron battles in the middle of the streets and cold prison sentences. 23 and 1… 24/7 with no nice bed sheets and throw pillows. So what does life mean to you because mine is a constant fight for survival and post traumatic stress disorder is my only friends and family.
You and me were suppose to be until a sea of pain bought title waves but who’s to blame for our darkest days. Many words were said before I put you to bed. You told me not to leave but why would I stay. Your words were hurricanes and your actions were the same. The past bought lots of rain and dark storms that came.
Your shirt soaked in tears, my hearts deepest pain then the storms came. Over and over and over… GOD! The pain came closer and closer to driving me insane. No blue sky’s for us no sunny days ever came.Your shirt soaked in tears again. I’m sorry but I can not stay… Trying to please you will kill me but who’s to blame, WHO I SAY? These will always be my darkest days.
Please… No pain for me and I wont become your slave. Lord knows those were my darkest days and for that I blame all those rainy days. The rainy days and bright thunder storms that came.
Love… is… pain…
PAIN- 1 any unpleasant bodily sensation produced by illness, accident etc. 2 MENTAL SUFFERING!!!!
I have to get this off my chest. All the rage I bare in me. They wont accept me for me from first site. why? I already feel guilty as it is from my past. I changed only to be back at square one. A loaded gun to my head is what you gave me and pulled the trigger on my hopes and dreams. I still feel like I’m running through the woods trying to escape my former masters from enslavement.
DESPAIR IS MY NAME!
You’ve closed the windows on my fingers and you shut the doors in my face. So what am I suppose to do? How will I live and how will I support myself and my family. I’m hungry at night. Do I starve waiting for a hand out or do I take action? What do I do?
DESPAIR IS MY NAME!
This treadmill of lies promising me change and better living are a sham. Don’t believe it. Politicians! Whatever! Heath care! Forget about it! Social security! Don’t make me laugh and spit on your shoes!
DESPAIR IS MY NAME!
A true story
It all started when I was about six or seven years old. I was riding my bike far from where my mother told me I could go, I did anyway. After all I was always a curious but quiet kid. Anyway I rode my bike three blocks up the street on a chilly but fair October afternoon. I stopped my bike at a busy intersection and my eyes seen two police man beating a man badly to the point he was screaming help until help faded away in his voice. It had turned out that the man was selling flowers in the middle of the busy road by the traffic lights. He would walk back in forth oscillating between cars making flower sales in the middle of a busy street. He didn’t have permits to do transactions there so the police approached him quickly hopping out there patrol cars with there black boots to the pavement slamming their car doors like the cars doors were their worst enemy. The police officers asked the man with the bucket of flowers did he have any identification on him as I watched from across the street on my big wheel bike that was red and yellow with black tires. It was my favorite bike to ride down hills with but the bike had absolutely no brakes so I had to stop the bike with my feet like the flint stone’s. The two officers, one black and the other one white asked the man that looked like he was in his mid to late twenties that was peddling rose peddles and other flowers. The black officer asked him.”What are you doing out here trying to cause a accident, let me see your I.D. boy.” The guy replied by saying.” I don’t have my I.D. on me sir.” Before the man could even finish his sentence the white officer was putting the man in hand cuffs. I didn’t know why? It didn’t seem like the man was doing anything wrong to be placed in hand cuffs but what did I know I was just some nosy kid from across the street.
The guy that was selling flowers asked the officers over and over again.” What am i being arrested for and what did i do wrong.” Both of the cops said to him yelling out.”Shut your fucking mouth or I’m going to shut your eyes.” The man was still asking.”What is this for, am i going to jail for selling flowers.” And in mid sentence the white officer punched the guy down in the grass.
Oh did I mention the man was in hand cuffs. Once the man hit the ground the officers started kicking the man that was selling flowers until he wasn’t moving anymore. I seen all of this with my own two eyes and until this day I never told anyone. Three days later we had officially found out what had happen on the ten o’clock news. the man that was selling flowers had died when he hit the ground. The two officers never got charged with the murder of a unarmed black male who was selling flowers to support his family because he lost his job and couldn’t get another one in time to keep up with his bills. He was also a father of three girls. How did the officers not get charged. HOW YOU SAY! Simple… Because they claimed self defense because the said they were IN FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES…. Did I mention the man was in hand cuffs. They had to take action against a unarmed man in hand cuffs. WOW! Right then and there at a young age I learned to stay away from the police in my city. It’s funny because on the side of the police cars it says in big letters.”To protect and serve”. When the only people they protect is themselves when they lie in court cases. The only thing they serve is death warrants from the devils bounty corporation. PLEASE! Don’t get me wrong because there are good cops out there but only a hand full of them are present and even the cops know that’s true. I just want to say to the good officers keep on serving for peace and do what you know in your heart is right and your soul shall be rewarded with good karma and many blessings.
I always think that, that man could of been me……